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I so believe that I lead a mundane life.
February 17, 2006
Anyone ever had this feeling, that out of the blue, in the middle of whatever you were doing, u just felt that u kinda missed someone, or somethings, and when in actual fact that someone or thing is just somewhere around you?
This afternoon was real bad. Went to school to study, but got a group of buggers who went talking and talking non stop, which made my thoughts really drift away. I wanted to study, and I forced it into me, but of course to no avail. The thought just drifted and drifted further, and somehow, I missed the past. Come to think of it, its already 20 weeks, safe to say 5months. But somethings are yet to be put down, and some people, yet to move on. I was damn sick and tired of sitting down with my thoughts drifting, so might as well walk around. Went to many places, walked up and down the library, the corners, the foodcourts, the co-op shop etc. Places that could possibly let me relive my memories. Felt tired, and made my way back to the library. But I felt kinda sick to go back and let my thoughts drift, so i sat ouside the door on the stairs, reading messages which i've stubbornly kept which were dated almost 6months old. The msges were protected, and whenever i accidentally delete the msg, i'll pull the battery off, in hope that the msg would not be deleted. So far, i've lost one msg, which to me is tantamount to losing one part of my memory.
Sometimes I wonder, are my false hopes based on all these mundane msges that i've kept in my phone? Some msges which i've kept to give myself some hope in times of desperation, some force of motivation that 'yes. things will turn out fine and better.' I've kept to that belief for the past 20weeks, the same old belief which managed to keep me going, that there'll be a day whereby things will turn out well, and that the wait will be worthwhile and not futile as many have told me.
I know someone will say that I'm living in self denial. I admit that i am. But i can't afford to lose this hope, and this minute ray of light at the end of the tunnel. If i lose this hope now, i really do think that my world would collapse upon me. Why can't things just maintain in their state that were used to be, was the question that i've asked myself since then. The most rational answer is that people change, and things do as well. But to me, i guess its that yes people and things change, but i don't. Im always living as a reference point, total displacement of zero if you measure it in physical terms. I don't like to get out of my comfort zone, and i do love things to stay the way they are.
At first, i didnt know why i was feeling so down suddenly today. Until someone shed some light, and suggested that i missed someone suddenly very much. I totally agree with that, but i guess that it was just in that moment, that the thought came in.
I've tried, and i really did. But i failed everytime i made up my mind and be determined to do what i ought to do. I can control my brain and what i think during the day, but i'm sorry that i'm not able to do so in the night. I can't.
the origin.3:18 PM
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